Aphrodite: New great thing
Enough feeling sorry for myself!
I write about subjects like this occasionally. Today is a day to discuss strange blessings. Remind myself I have nothing to legitimately bitch about. My life really is pretty dam good.
You see, the best things that have ever come to me were launched into my world as surprises. Even unhappy surprises. In fact, mostly as unhappy surprises. If I dont like something I can usually bet that sooner or later I will be grateful for it, later. All of the worst things that have happened to me, did eventually lead to good.
You see, Turkomen Horses were never my plan, I was a cow-chasing apprentice of a cowboy. I wanted cowponies, under western saddles. I wanted to just comfortably continue doing what I always had. I like routine. I hate change. I particularly destest unintended change coming from out of the blue. I never planned this path I am on, Shamanistic beliefs were right out, too outre. I was raised thinking I'd go to Hell if I renounced the Judeo-Xtian God. I still believe thats what my Ancestors worshipped, and it should be good enough for me. I was from a non practicing monotheistic secular household. Atheism was more where I was logically going. Maybe a tepid judaism could have worked out for me, if I hadn't gotten sick.
Now I am a passionate Animist, who believes that even plastic has a soul, and that cement can be talked to, and that nature can be observed in New York City.
(disgusted sigh)
My familiars have all come to me as unplanned surprises. They just show up, and say "HI! Here I am!" Never, ever, do they come in the shapes I expected.
It seems like the things that I fight my way to, trying really hard to get, are always a complete bust, never as good as the things that drop into my life, out of the clear blue sky. Usually like smoking meteors.
This time, my great Surprises are my new familiars, who both just found me this past season. I don't know what I was expecting. Perhaps I feared expecting anything, but whatever I had in mind, it was not what I got. You see, before my indoor familiar died, (a cat) she tried to instruct another cat I already had, in the ways I needed to be cared for. But tho she tried, the other little cat, Pee Wee, was not exactly a right fit. She is special, and she is a terrific friend, but she could not help me in the Other Worlds. That wasn't her thing. She had another Purpose, no less sacred to me, but it was not as my Otherworld helper. So when Ken passed, I limped along, with my remaining familiar, who was old, and sick, and somewhat senile... the Hag horse, NITA. This old horse had come to me as a surprise gift, tho not a shiny one, seventeen years ago, and had taught me more about humble meign, and inner beauty, than any other person in my life, except maybe her predicessor, Buzz. She taught me the value of being understimated, and thought plain. She taught me about steadfastness, and friendship. She was honest, protective and her floving help had all been selflessly unconditional.
Watching her health fail, as she became extremely aged, was an excruciating excercise in letting go.... It tore my heart apart, to see time weigh her down, make her tired, then crippled, then infirm and confused. But she was my Hag Guardian, and she was a powerful avatar of my Horse Goddess, yet. And then she became more than old, she became truly sick. At that time, Spirit told me: "GIVEHER BACK."
With a horrible numb fear, and dread in my heart, I did. It was six months after the death of my beloved cat Kenni.
And then there were none.
I felt so alone. Bereft. Unworthy. Like I hadsomehow failed them both. Tho I knew I had no choice but to sacrifice both my beloved animal helpers, knew that it was better for them to be sent back to their Creator, than to have them linger in agony a few more days, perhaps a week more. I knew that the kind option of painless death, delayed any further would have been a greater failure... But holding them, while the High priests of Medicine did their sad work, was more terrible than I can describe. Mercy sometimes feels awful, even when its the right thing. Nothing could replace them. Perhaps I will never feel about any creatures the way I felt about them. I still miss them every night, and there is a lonely spot in my heart where their presences were. I hate change. I am a very conservative person, in that I do not like to take big moves, or make big changes, to solve problems in my life. I would rather "hold fast" even when what I hold on to is terrible, and wait and see how it all turns out, than do something new.
But with NITA's death, I realized she was just affirming that indeed an era had ended. I would never again be the Cowboy's tagalong, or be called the Sorcerer's Apprentice, again. I had grown up to be my own thing, the solitary Horse Witch, with her strange foreign horses, and her house full of cats.
I'll prolly wear motorcycle boots, or hybrid running/riding boots made for people who compete over long distances in 50-100 mile rides, for the foreseeable future. My last pair of pointy-toed cowboy boots, that were used for riding and not for dress-up, have been worn out for almost a decade, they had been re-soled three times, and then finally wrapped in duct tape, and used as slippers. Years ago, a kindly friend disposed of them, on the way to Colorado, in a dumpter at an undisclosed rest stop. By now, I am okay with this, tho I would have fought the notion of quietly allowing this to happen, as recently as six months ago.
And so in loneliness last year's Summer Solstice passed, though I still had seven horses to take care of. Then midsummer came and went. My Dad bought me a one eyed colt as a sort of consolation present. It saved the poor sick colts life, and that was some consolation, even if I couldn't save NITA from being Old.
FINALLY my favorite black mare, Ankara, had her baby. I had already had it pretty much sold to a lady in Canada. I needed that money, and this baby would really save my indebted butt. So I was eagerly expecting something black, or at least dark, like both the mother and father of the expected baby were. I knew that definitely it would be something big, hopefully not too exotic looking... worth about twenty grand. I'd worked hard to have that baby mostly sold by the time it was born, so that I could move on, and get another colt from Germany, where that favorite mare had come from... and guess what?
All my plans were shattered.
They say that "Man plans, and the gods laugh."
Last night of July, under a blue moon the Horse Gods had a damn fine laugh at me. Tired of waiting for that mare to foal, since I'd been sleeping on the rubber mat in front of her stall for two weeks, I decided to take a break. I been doing this for decades, and she didn't look like it was coming anytime tonight... So I took a shower, sat on the sofa, and let my eyes close, for what I thought would be just a little while... And the next thing I know, my E was waking me up, suggesting that I go check our girl. Grumbling and cussing, I went back out to check on mom, and there she was...the most exotic, stunningly perfect platinum-gold filly I ever saw, already up and trying to nurse! And she was so perfect, I knew I would be an insane fool to sell her. All my plans were ruined in an instant! I looked into her brilliant sky-blue eyes, and knew I was no insane fool. She'd stay. My Hag had been replaced by a Maiden so pure, so Ancient, and plain *good,* that it took my breath away. This soul was not what I had expected to greet, so late that night. This was more than mere baby horse that I gathered into my arms, and held while it slept... it was
sacred HORSE, a living blessing. A precious gift.
Evidently, God still loved me.
Money be damned (I am still SOOO IN DEBT! frankly it terrifies me) But I kept the filly, and told the lady in Canada. "I am sorry. She's too good to sell. I can't in good conscience ask you to pay what this baby is worth to me."
(Arms? Legs? a firstborn child? a wish-fulfilling jewel? Princely titles? Kingdoms? A life? Many lifetimes of suffering andhoping? Nobody can ask those things of a stranger.)
Spirit had paid me back, with interest, for the life of my beloved Hag Horse, my tears, and maybe even for the horribly separated shoulder that still hurts me. But my arms were still empty at night, and no soft footsteps followed me into the Land of Dream, nor Loyal claws protect me while I Journeyed. I had the Shining Goodness of my filly, but she was full of innocence and needed to grow up, before she could step into the shoes the old Hag Horse had left for her.
Well, at about that time, on this E-List I belong to, JJ notified me of a Problem. You see, there were these cats that had to find a home, and fast... A witch she had had been a home healthcare provider for of had died, unexpectedly, leaving her Familiars stranded here, on the Other Side.... Well hell! I looked, and I looked, and could find no suitable home for either one of those damn cats, much less both of them, together. But something nagged at me to find a home that was right....This was my business, and I'll be damned if I see somebody's beloved Familiars go to a shelter, to die. So finally I said:
"Bring em here, and I'll FIND a home for them!"
I really seriously thought I'd end up shoehorning these kitties into my parent's lives, because I already had five cats, a dog, and eight horses. My house was full to bursting with animals already. But a tiny voice reminded me that there had been room for one more... that there could be one more for a while.
But one found a home with a very nice person, located through the Panpipes...and so JJ came over, with only one kitty in her carrier, and what a frightened kitty it was! Her name was Aphrodite. She was a beautiful white cat, with golden eyes, and the most terrified expression I had seen in ages, who skittered out of the box, and under my bed.
Then she stuck there like velcro.
Well, okay. I guess I could understand her feeling like that, being something of a scaredy cat, myself. I was more than willing to wait her out. I had JJ tell me her story, and scared was a perfectly appropriate way to feel. She'd seen her person violently murdered. Beaten to death with her own cane, then left to die. This was one sad kitty, and sad for good reason. So I was prepared to be paitient. During the first day, she migrated from under the bed, to under the red dresser, then from behind the laundry hamper, to under the tallboy, where I keep my underwear and jeans, and then finally back under the bed, where she squished herself up against the wall. Aphrodite wasn't coming out for nobody.
When Eric came home from work, he wondered why this scaredy-cat was named after a goddess of love.
We called her Frighty 'Ditey.
That night, I felt a weight on my chest, very like the weight of Kenni-cat, laying just like she would have with her chin just below mine. I reached up and stroked a soft furry back, wondering how our naughty Stella had gotten into the closed-up bedroom, and turned on the light. A flash of white tail was all I saw, as the cat launched off my chest, and hid back under the bed.
It had been the scaredy-cat, who had been snuggling cozily on my chest.
I turned the light back out, and pulled the cover over my shoulder, feigning sleep. Within minutes she was back, climbing back onto my husband's chest. He turned on the light, blinking sleepily at the white blur, and again she vaulted and vanished, to reappear only when it was completely dark again.
She continued to snuggle at night, and only very tentatively accept us when the lights were on. But soon, with the encouragement of some tinned food, and locked in the safety of our bedroom, the frightened white cat got friendlier and friendlier, until my husband, (who had been trying to work up enough outrage to say something angry about my adopting another cat) couldn't imagine what we would do without her. She snuggled charmingly, she talked constantly, she played silly games, and followed us all around the bedroom. At night, she slept encircled by my husband's arm, like a stuffed animal. Then, even more improbably, she made friends with our bad cat, Stella.
Stella was another orphan, who had never had fit in. Ditey and Stellie were like two peas in a pod. Stellie actually settled down some. As a civilizing influence, Ditey was peerless! She calmed my husband when he was manic, and comforted him when he was depressed (hes bipolar.) She made our Bad Cat behave. She even got along with the dog. Once out of the bedroom, she took over the house, like she was born there. Aphrodite now even has claimed her own chair.
Just the other day, E admitted that he had really wanted to be angry about Ditey, but just couldn't manage it. He liked her too much. He also told me that now he hesitates to leave me, because this would mean leaving Ditey ... and shes too good a thing to give up. She has a way of growing on you, unobtrusively healing all those aching hurts of the day. She soothes things you forgot were still bothering you, untill they abruptly stop hurting. Then she will stare up at you, checking to see if you got that, with her anxious little crosseyed worry-wart expression.
And soft footed, she follows me to the land of Dream, and when I go to the Other places, I know that the claws of my little white familliar with the bright golden eyes and little-old-lady expression, will protect me. Her personal tragedy turned to triumph, when she found a better place with us... I needed a familiar, she needed a witch.
Together we both found happiness.
She is just what I need at this time, and she is happy to help in any way she can, just by being herself. By holding fast, and waiting out that lonely summer, my springtime came in autumn, unexpectedly. My dark familiars were replaced by white and gold ones. Seasons changed, and so did I. My helpers changed with me. Since one of my Spirits is the Lady of the whitecolt, I am not so surprised by white familiars, but I never would have (...dared hope?) that these precious souls would come to me like this, out of the dark of night and the cool ether-world of the Internet.
All are souls are welcome here, each spirit is sacred for its own sake. But these affirmed that I am on the right path, though it certainly was not one of my choosing.
I write about subjects like this occasionally. Today is a day to discuss strange blessings. Remind myself I have nothing to legitimately bitch about. My life really is pretty dam good.
You see, the best things that have ever come to me were launched into my world as surprises. Even unhappy surprises. In fact, mostly as unhappy surprises. If I dont like something I can usually bet that sooner or later I will be grateful for it, later. All of the worst things that have happened to me, did eventually lead to good.
You see, Turkomen Horses were never my plan, I was a cow-chasing apprentice of a cowboy. I wanted cowponies, under western saddles. I wanted to just comfortably continue doing what I always had. I like routine. I hate change. I particularly destest unintended change coming from out of the blue. I never planned this path I am on, Shamanistic beliefs were right out, too outre. I was raised thinking I'd go to Hell if I renounced the Judeo-Xtian God. I still believe thats what my Ancestors worshipped, and it should be good enough for me. I was from a non practicing monotheistic secular household. Atheism was more where I was logically going. Maybe a tepid judaism could have worked out for me, if I hadn't gotten sick.
Now I am a passionate Animist, who believes that even plastic has a soul, and that cement can be talked to, and that nature can be observed in New York City.
(disgusted sigh)
My familiars have all come to me as unplanned surprises. They just show up, and say "HI! Here I am!" Never, ever, do they come in the shapes I expected.
It seems like the things that I fight my way to, trying really hard to get, are always a complete bust, never as good as the things that drop into my life, out of the clear blue sky. Usually like smoking meteors.
This time, my great Surprises are my new familiars, who both just found me this past season. I don't know what I was expecting. Perhaps I feared expecting anything, but whatever I had in mind, it was not what I got. You see, before my indoor familiar died, (a cat) she tried to instruct another cat I already had, in the ways I needed to be cared for. But tho she tried, the other little cat, Pee Wee, was not exactly a right fit. She is special, and she is a terrific friend, but she could not help me in the Other Worlds. That wasn't her thing. She had another Purpose, no less sacred to me, but it was not as my Otherworld helper. So when Ken passed, I limped along, with my remaining familiar, who was old, and sick, and somewhat senile... the Hag horse, NITA. This old horse had come to me as a surprise gift, tho not a shiny one, seventeen years ago, and had taught me more about humble meign, and inner beauty, than any other person in my life, except maybe her predicessor, Buzz. She taught me the value of being understimated, and thought plain. She taught me about steadfastness, and friendship. She was honest, protective and her floving help had all been selflessly unconditional.
Watching her health fail, as she became extremely aged, was an excruciating excercise in letting go.... It tore my heart apart, to see time weigh her down, make her tired, then crippled, then infirm and confused. But she was my Hag Guardian, and she was a powerful avatar of my Horse Goddess, yet. And then she became more than old, she became truly sick. At that time, Spirit told me: "GIVEHER BACK."
With a horrible numb fear, and dread in my heart, I did. It was six months after the death of my beloved cat Kenni.
And then there were none.
I felt so alone. Bereft. Unworthy. Like I hadsomehow failed them both. Tho I knew I had no choice but to sacrifice both my beloved animal helpers, knew that it was better for them to be sent back to their Creator, than to have them linger in agony a few more days, perhaps a week more. I knew that the kind option of painless death, delayed any further would have been a greater failure... But holding them, while the High priests of Medicine did their sad work, was more terrible than I can describe. Mercy sometimes feels awful, even when its the right thing. Nothing could replace them. Perhaps I will never feel about any creatures the way I felt about them. I still miss them every night, and there is a lonely spot in my heart where their presences were. I hate change. I am a very conservative person, in that I do not like to take big moves, or make big changes, to solve problems in my life. I would rather "hold fast" even when what I hold on to is terrible, and wait and see how it all turns out, than do something new.
But with NITA's death, I realized she was just affirming that indeed an era had ended. I would never again be the Cowboy's tagalong, or be called the Sorcerer's Apprentice, again. I had grown up to be my own thing, the solitary Horse Witch, with her strange foreign horses, and her house full of cats.
I'll prolly wear motorcycle boots, or hybrid running/riding boots made for people who compete over long distances in 50-100 mile rides, for the foreseeable future. My last pair of pointy-toed cowboy boots, that were used for riding and not for dress-up, have been worn out for almost a decade, they had been re-soled three times, and then finally wrapped in duct tape, and used as slippers. Years ago, a kindly friend disposed of them, on the way to Colorado, in a dumpter at an undisclosed rest stop. By now, I am okay with this, tho I would have fought the notion of quietly allowing this to happen, as recently as six months ago.
And so in loneliness last year's Summer Solstice passed, though I still had seven horses to take care of. Then midsummer came and went. My Dad bought me a one eyed colt as a sort of consolation present. It saved the poor sick colts life, and that was some consolation, even if I couldn't save NITA from being Old.
FINALLY my favorite black mare, Ankara, had her baby. I had already had it pretty much sold to a lady in Canada. I needed that money, and this baby would really save my indebted butt. So I was eagerly expecting something black, or at least dark, like both the mother and father of the expected baby were. I knew that definitely it would be something big, hopefully not too exotic looking... worth about twenty grand. I'd worked hard to have that baby mostly sold by the time it was born, so that I could move on, and get another colt from Germany, where that favorite mare had come from... and guess what?
All my plans were shattered.
They say that "Man plans, and the gods laugh."
Last night of July, under a blue moon the Horse Gods had a damn fine laugh at me. Tired of waiting for that mare to foal, since I'd been sleeping on the rubber mat in front of her stall for two weeks, I decided to take a break. I been doing this for decades, and she didn't look like it was coming anytime tonight... So I took a shower, sat on the sofa, and let my eyes close, for what I thought would be just a little while... And the next thing I know, my E was waking me up, suggesting that I go check our girl. Grumbling and cussing, I went back out to check on mom, and there she was...the most exotic, stunningly perfect platinum-gold filly I ever saw, already up and trying to nurse! And she was so perfect, I knew I would be an insane fool to sell her. All my plans were ruined in an instant! I looked into her brilliant sky-blue eyes, and knew I was no insane fool. She'd stay. My Hag had been replaced by a Maiden so pure, so Ancient, and plain *good,* that it took my breath away. This soul was not what I had expected to greet, so late that night. This was more than mere baby horse that I gathered into my arms, and held while it slept... it was
sacred HORSE, a living blessing. A precious gift.
Evidently, God still loved me.
Money be damned (I am still SOOO IN DEBT! frankly it terrifies me) But I kept the filly, and told the lady in Canada. "I am sorry. She's too good to sell. I can't in good conscience ask you to pay what this baby is worth to me."
(Arms? Legs? a firstborn child? a wish-fulfilling jewel? Princely titles? Kingdoms? A life? Many lifetimes of suffering andhoping? Nobody can ask those things of a stranger.)
Spirit had paid me back, with interest, for the life of my beloved Hag Horse, my tears, and maybe even for the horribly separated shoulder that still hurts me. But my arms were still empty at night, and no soft footsteps followed me into the Land of Dream, nor Loyal claws protect me while I Journeyed. I had the Shining Goodness of my filly, but she was full of innocence and needed to grow up, before she could step into the shoes the old Hag Horse had left for her.
Well, at about that time, on this E-List I belong to, JJ notified me of a Problem. You see, there were these cats that had to find a home, and fast... A witch she had had been a home healthcare provider for of had died, unexpectedly, leaving her Familiars stranded here, on the Other Side.... Well hell! I looked, and I looked, and could find no suitable home for either one of those damn cats, much less both of them, together. But something nagged at me to find a home that was right....This was my business, and I'll be damned if I see somebody's beloved Familiars go to a shelter, to die. So finally I said:
"Bring em here, and I'll FIND a home for them!"
I really seriously thought I'd end up shoehorning these kitties into my parent's lives, because I already had five cats, a dog, and eight horses. My house was full to bursting with animals already. But a tiny voice reminded me that there had been room for one more... that there could be one more for a while.
But one found a home with a very nice person, located through the Panpipes...and so JJ came over, with only one kitty in her carrier, and what a frightened kitty it was! Her name was Aphrodite. She was a beautiful white cat, with golden eyes, and the most terrified expression I had seen in ages, who skittered out of the box, and under my bed.
Then she stuck there like velcro.
Well, okay. I guess I could understand her feeling like that, being something of a scaredy cat, myself. I was more than willing to wait her out. I had JJ tell me her story, and scared was a perfectly appropriate way to feel. She'd seen her person violently murdered. Beaten to death with her own cane, then left to die. This was one sad kitty, and sad for good reason. So I was prepared to be paitient. During the first day, she migrated from under the bed, to under the red dresser, then from behind the laundry hamper, to under the tallboy, where I keep my underwear and jeans, and then finally back under the bed, where she squished herself up against the wall. Aphrodite wasn't coming out for nobody.
When Eric came home from work, he wondered why this scaredy-cat was named after a goddess of love.
We called her Frighty 'Ditey.
That night, I felt a weight on my chest, very like the weight of Kenni-cat, laying just like she would have with her chin just below mine. I reached up and stroked a soft furry back, wondering how our naughty Stella had gotten into the closed-up bedroom, and turned on the light. A flash of white tail was all I saw, as the cat launched off my chest, and hid back under the bed.
It had been the scaredy-cat, who had been snuggling cozily on my chest.
I turned the light back out, and pulled the cover over my shoulder, feigning sleep. Within minutes she was back, climbing back onto my husband's chest. He turned on the light, blinking sleepily at the white blur, and again she vaulted and vanished, to reappear only when it was completely dark again.
She continued to snuggle at night, and only very tentatively accept us when the lights were on. But soon, with the encouragement of some tinned food, and locked in the safety of our bedroom, the frightened white cat got friendlier and friendlier, until my husband, (who had been trying to work up enough outrage to say something angry about my adopting another cat) couldn't imagine what we would do without her. She snuggled charmingly, she talked constantly, she played silly games, and followed us all around the bedroom. At night, she slept encircled by my husband's arm, like a stuffed animal. Then, even more improbably, she made friends with our bad cat, Stella.
Stella was another orphan, who had never had fit in. Ditey and Stellie were like two peas in a pod. Stellie actually settled down some. As a civilizing influence, Ditey was peerless! She calmed my husband when he was manic, and comforted him when he was depressed (hes bipolar.) She made our Bad Cat behave. She even got along with the dog. Once out of the bedroom, she took over the house, like she was born there. Aphrodite now even has claimed her own chair.
Just the other day, E admitted that he had really wanted to be angry about Ditey, but just couldn't manage it. He liked her too much. He also told me that now he hesitates to leave me, because this would mean leaving Ditey ... and shes too good a thing to give up. She has a way of growing on you, unobtrusively healing all those aching hurts of the day. She soothes things you forgot were still bothering you, untill they abruptly stop hurting. Then she will stare up at you, checking to see if you got that, with her anxious little crosseyed worry-wart expression.
And soft footed, she follows me to the land of Dream, and when I go to the Other places, I know that the claws of my little white familliar with the bright golden eyes and little-old-lady expression, will protect me. Her personal tragedy turned to triumph, when she found a better place with us... I needed a familiar, she needed a witch.
Together we both found happiness.
She is just what I need at this time, and she is happy to help in any way she can, just by being herself. By holding fast, and waiting out that lonely summer, my springtime came in autumn, unexpectedly. My dark familiars were replaced by white and gold ones. Seasons changed, and so did I. My helpers changed with me. Since one of my Spirits is the Lady of the whitecolt, I am not so surprised by white familiars, but I never would have (...dared hope?) that these precious souls would come to me like this, out of the dark of night and the cool ether-world of the Internet.
All are souls are welcome here, each spirit is sacred for its own sake. But these affirmed that I am on the right path, though it certainly was not one of my choosing.
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