Addressing some of the questions
What do I really care about?
Discovering Meaning in my life. Figuring out what its all for... looking at the ever shifting question of "who am I, really?"
I dont really believe that there is such a thing as an unchanging "I." There is a Conciousness that observes what the current manifestation of "I" is up to, and I believe in that. But I think most people would just call that the soul. But I like watching what I am up to and trying to make it better, more authentic, and sometimes I have breakthroughs that result in a happier "I" or at least one that is less confused about what its all about.
What else does this dumb answer above mean? well, it means that I like to see how well I am doing at keeping what I am doing in tune with who I really am on the inside. That way i dont get unhappy, making myself miserable trying to be something I am not, just to please someone else, or worse yet-- because I think its expected of me and i am afraid of what will happen if I do not toe the line.
So what does THAT mean?
It means right now that I love a certain kind of horse, and care about the welfare of this Turkoman breed as a whole. I care wether my horses are happy. I want to do what I can to make them happy, healthy beings. That I feel a certain amount of conflict on the subject of riding; as I care about it rather too passionately. I love to do it, hate doing anything badly, havent had enough practice lately to ride but badly, and am afraid of getting hurt again, as I am aware of my lack of practice's effects on my skill-level. So the relationship with the riding is problematic but I think it can be solved with lessons.
I love E as a fellow being, and as a lover, but I wish the flawed nature of our relationship was not so closely resembling my predicament with the riding. I really care whether he loves me. I want him to love me. I have made many attempts to MAKE that happen and have found you cant make somone notice that you love them. So i may as well have just not struggled, and pleased myself, and he prolly would love me about the same amount, maybe more, cause I prolly would have been a happier person, and thus made myself more attractive, with less effort expended.
I do care to fix this mess I have gotten myself in. I wish it could be as easy as lessons, but I think this will take time and paitience, and i do not know if E has any paitience left for me.
The cats are one of the few things in the world that I can say I care about with all my heart, and there is no shadow in my eyes or my heart, when I say this.
Who do I love? Who do I really like?
The complete list:
Marty HS Best friend Jas friend/ Tekke breeder
Holly HS Best friend Jeff friend/ very long term
Eric Long term lover/enigma milena friend/tekke breeder
CJ Foster daughter Renee friend/neighbor
Summer Sister-type Ellis neighbor/ friend
Callista Sister-type Jim Kinder neighbor
Mercy Mommie/sister type Lynn friend/fellow horsewoman
Julie Soul-sister Val Vet/ enigmatic friend
Tori Soul Sister Brent Lover's best friend
Cathy Problematic enigma Gisa friend/ fellow horsewoman
These are the names that appear on my speed dial.
These are people I would get up in the middle of the night for, lend money to, or drive a long way to pick them up off the side of the road if need be...
What means the most to me?
Trust, Love, and friendship.
being able to be truthful to somone without fear that if they knew the real me, they would vaporize.
What do I make time for?
Dog valentines
cat food shopping
horse feed arranging
Listening to the ravings of a heartbroken friend.
Watching a stupid movie with someone just to laugh and laugh
How do I specifically not make time for things I think I want to do, but somehow fear actually getting out there and doing?
Too much truth there to speak to right now. I do all kinds of things to avoid getting closer, to avoid getting invested in people who I really like, because if they disappoint me, I will be so hurt.
With E, I think I want to get close, then I start walling myself off trying too keep from trusting him as anything more than an unpredictable lover. When I want more, like commitment, and safety, or mutual trust, and deep intimacy, he just flees with out budging a muscle or leaving the room. I am left on the end of the sofa, watching TV and wondering what I did now.
What am I afraid of?
Getting close to someone and having them vaporize on me. That is such a soul-wrenching humilliation and misery. That SOOOO sucks. Especially when you think you love them. I know that part of being in LIFE is being vulnarable, but i am learning how to be vulnarable enough to have fun, become intimate, but manage the fear of getting emotionally dropped.
I am afraid of something happening to my cats and horses.
I am afraid of something terrible happening to Eric, while he is commuting.
What do i want to do?
I want to have a meaningful life in which those I love return my fond regard with trust and mutual deep affection.
I want to be the favorite herdmate of all my horses.
I want my giving to be effortless, and joyful.
How do i want to do it?
I want all of my actions to be peaceful and joyful
What gives me something to look forward to?
Right now my sabbatical gives me a future to look forward to.
Breeding season gives me a foal season to look forward to.
My talks with E have given me a hope that there might still be a time of closeness between us to look forward to. I am almost afraid to hope for it, and yet I cannot help myself... I do so want to share laughter, cats, foals, love, loss, and tears, with him. I could not have lived through Nita's passing without him.
The things I dread: how do I screw my self under, trying to avoid them?
well, by trying to avoid caring, and the vulnarability that this leaves me open to, I screw myself out of love, and friends. It makes me un-generous and it makes me fearful and unhappy. It makes me sharp, and unpleasant. Nobody likes hanging around bitter people.
Thats enough for now
Lets just agree that I want to be loved and not hurt. I want those I love to treat me lovingly, and perhaps earn back my trust, if they have hurt me. I want them to accept my friendly overtures, instead of throwing them back at me, as though I tried to do something hateful to them.
But I am afraid that my love may not be reward enough. That nothing I have or am is enough.
I see myself sometimes as just a bitter frightened woman, afraid to grow up and be responsible because I have been told I was a screw up for so long, that I came to believe it to an inconveniant extent, for those who share my life.
Discovering Meaning in my life. Figuring out what its all for... looking at the ever shifting question of "who am I, really?"
I dont really believe that there is such a thing as an unchanging "I." There is a Conciousness that observes what the current manifestation of "I" is up to, and I believe in that. But I think most people would just call that the soul. But I like watching what I am up to and trying to make it better, more authentic, and sometimes I have breakthroughs that result in a happier "I" or at least one that is less confused about what its all about.
What else does this dumb answer above mean? well, it means that I like to see how well I am doing at keeping what I am doing in tune with who I really am on the inside. That way i dont get unhappy, making myself miserable trying to be something I am not, just to please someone else, or worse yet-- because I think its expected of me and i am afraid of what will happen if I do not toe the line.
So what does THAT mean?
It means right now that I love a certain kind of horse, and care about the welfare of this Turkoman breed as a whole. I care wether my horses are happy. I want to do what I can to make them happy, healthy beings. That I feel a certain amount of conflict on the subject of riding; as I care about it rather too passionately. I love to do it, hate doing anything badly, havent had enough practice lately to ride but badly, and am afraid of getting hurt again, as I am aware of my lack of practice's effects on my skill-level. So the relationship with the riding is problematic but I think it can be solved with lessons.
I love E as a fellow being, and as a lover, but I wish the flawed nature of our relationship was not so closely resembling my predicament with the riding. I really care whether he loves me. I want him to love me. I have made many attempts to MAKE that happen and have found you cant make somone notice that you love them. So i may as well have just not struggled, and pleased myself, and he prolly would love me about the same amount, maybe more, cause I prolly would have been a happier person, and thus made myself more attractive, with less effort expended.
I do care to fix this mess I have gotten myself in. I wish it could be as easy as lessons, but I think this will take time and paitience, and i do not know if E has any paitience left for me.
The cats are one of the few things in the world that I can say I care about with all my heart, and there is no shadow in my eyes or my heart, when I say this.
Who do I love? Who do I really like?
The complete list:
Marty HS Best friend Jas friend/ Tekke breeder
Holly HS Best friend Jeff friend/ very long term
Eric Long term lover/enigma milena friend/tekke breeder
CJ Foster daughter Renee friend/neighbor
Summer Sister-type Ellis neighbor/ friend
Callista Sister-type Jim Kinder neighbor
Mercy Mommie/sister type Lynn friend/fellow horsewoman
Julie Soul-sister Val Vet/ enigmatic friend
Tori Soul Sister Brent Lover's best friend
Cathy Problematic enigma Gisa friend/ fellow horsewoman
These are the names that appear on my speed dial.
These are people I would get up in the middle of the night for, lend money to, or drive a long way to pick them up off the side of the road if need be...
What means the most to me?
Trust, Love, and friendship.
being able to be truthful to somone without fear that if they knew the real me, they would vaporize.
What do I make time for?
Dog valentines
cat food shopping
horse feed arranging
Listening to the ravings of a heartbroken friend.
Watching a stupid movie with someone just to laugh and laugh
How do I specifically not make time for things I think I want to do, but somehow fear actually getting out there and doing?
Too much truth there to speak to right now. I do all kinds of things to avoid getting closer, to avoid getting invested in people who I really like, because if they disappoint me, I will be so hurt.
With E, I think I want to get close, then I start walling myself off trying too keep from trusting him as anything more than an unpredictable lover. When I want more, like commitment, and safety, or mutual trust, and deep intimacy, he just flees with out budging a muscle or leaving the room. I am left on the end of the sofa, watching TV and wondering what I did now.
What am I afraid of?
Getting close to someone and having them vaporize on me. That is such a soul-wrenching humilliation and misery. That SOOOO sucks. Especially when you think you love them. I know that part of being in LIFE is being vulnarable, but i am learning how to be vulnarable enough to have fun, become intimate, but manage the fear of getting emotionally dropped.
I am afraid of something happening to my cats and horses.
I am afraid of something terrible happening to Eric, while he is commuting.
What do i want to do?
I want to have a meaningful life in which those I love return my fond regard with trust and mutual deep affection.
I want to be the favorite herdmate of all my horses.
I want my giving to be effortless, and joyful.
How do i want to do it?
I want all of my actions to be peaceful and joyful
What gives me something to look forward to?
Right now my sabbatical gives me a future to look forward to.
Breeding season gives me a foal season to look forward to.
My talks with E have given me a hope that there might still be a time of closeness between us to look forward to. I am almost afraid to hope for it, and yet I cannot help myself... I do so want to share laughter, cats, foals, love, loss, and tears, with him. I could not have lived through Nita's passing without him.
The things I dread: how do I screw my self under, trying to avoid them?
well, by trying to avoid caring, and the vulnarability that this leaves me open to, I screw myself out of love, and friends. It makes me un-generous and it makes me fearful and unhappy. It makes me sharp, and unpleasant. Nobody likes hanging around bitter people.
Thats enough for now
Lets just agree that I want to be loved and not hurt. I want those I love to treat me lovingly, and perhaps earn back my trust, if they have hurt me. I want them to accept my friendly overtures, instead of throwing them back at me, as though I tried to do something hateful to them.
But I am afraid that my love may not be reward enough. That nothing I have or am is enough.
I see myself sometimes as just a bitter frightened woman, afraid to grow up and be responsible because I have been told I was a screw up for so long, that I came to believe it to an inconveniant extent, for those who share my life.
Comments
I know that sounds like self affirmation mumbo jumbo, but I believe if you don't how to love yourself in a healty way, how do you expect others to? Or to do it for you.
Maybe that makes one give conflicting signals to those who love them, as best as I can figure and especially the task driven man.
Didn't know you had a blog Flora! Nice surprise for me today.
p.s. it's all Diane's fault!
:P ... well at least I'm not blaming america or bush ...
When I read your words: Trust, Love, and friendship.
being able to be truthful to somone without fear that if they knew the real me, they would vaporize.
I know how you feel, but if you knew some things about me that I was ashamed of, would you think less of me? If we didn't make mistakes or have rotten things happen to us, we wouldn't learn and we actually should honor the fact that we did learn from it. Or else you know, we're damned to repeat it -again.
Thanks for letting me ramble on Flora and I hope to see your name on the top of your list soon.
xo
~leap
University days were tough, in the old days. We were studying in graphic design, I had lost a child to life, lovers to death, joggling waitress and gallery jobs.
As we were struggling to finish crazy projects at 3 am, in our classroom, my friend Annie would climb on a chair and declare: Hey! we are great! Look at that!
I would laugh and think: no wonder she shines so much, she is great, she has such a beautiful faith in life!
She would always give herslef and me that special path on the back when things were really challenging. Now we are near 20 years older, many things happen, joyful moments, hard work and tears later, we are still the same but we laughed more.
Very moving post Flora, it reminded me of the questions in everyone's soul at times.
Thank you for sharing your thoughts in your beautiful blog.
xoxo
Diane