SABBATICAL: finding meaning in my life
I am going on sabbatical. Not from blogging, I already did that.
I mean, I am going on sabbatical, and trying to figure out what gives my life meaning.
The answers to these questions are out there. Not only are they out there... I already know some of them.
Its more a question of what i am willing to admit.
What do I really care about?
Who do I love? Who do I really like?
What means the most to me?
What do I make time for?
How do I specifically not make time for things I think I want to do, but somehow fear actually getting out there and doing?
What am I afraid of?
What do i want to do?
How do i want to do it?
What gives me something to look forward to?
The things I dread: how do I screw my self under, trying to avoid them?
Then there is Eric... I know how I feel about him... but how does he REALLY feel about me?
Right now he's all over the map, and even HE doesnt have the answer to that one. But i can infer some stuff and wonder about the rest that lurks beneath the surface. Hes like an iceburg, vast beneath the surface with only a few tippy-tips revealed above the sea of his unconcious.
Ostensibly he is on sabbatical, too.
I have discovered something, deciding to withdraw from this relationship, (or at least this form the relationship was taking) I had let him give meaning to my life. I had made my existance something that depended on his sometimes presence or not presence to give it meaning...
I was either waiting for Eric, or with Eric, waiting to see if he wanted to be with me...
This meant that if you take E entirely out of the equation, I have nothing to do. Not literally. But instead of cleaning the house up before E got home... or making dinner for E...or shopping for E's food... I simply shop.
WHAT? For MYSELF? But whats the POINT, if I am not waiting for E?
Did I not shop for things I liked before? Well, yes and no.
I shopped for E, but since he never was very good at telling me what he wanted, I would get things that I guessed would please him, and certain of those things that pleased me too, since I was there, and shopping. I got food to keep my body healthy, but didnt really think too much about what i wanted.
Now i can think about learning to make different kinds of curry. I dont have to worry who will eat it. I will.
And yet, this still is depressing to me. Not liberating. Simply sad, and empty.
E asked what would make me smile.
I had to think about this a few days. Couldnt really answer him right away.
That he would trust me enough to show me his inner soul without flinching, and stay with me long enough to find out how dearly I treasure it... I want him to come to me for acceptance and love, offering in return to me, an unconditional acceptance and love, just as I am, without having to pretend to be anyone other than completely myself, and him being completely himself, too.
I guess in some ways I want what we had when we were really young, still in our teens, that fearless love of the unhurt, bravely showing each other everything we could think of, from our bodies, to our ideas about heroism. But I hurt him, then he hurt me, and then there were years of mistrust and fumbling attempts at re-connection. Damn, we hurt each other!
But i dont know how else to make amends but to offer to help him heal in the only way I can... by stepping out of the way, and then making myself an ear for him to confide in, and show myself as a friend he can learn to trust. Maybe by taking away the extraneous societal expectations of "husband" and "wife," and just being E, and F, we could mend our hearts a little.
He will figure out what gives his life meaning.
I will figure out what gives my life meaning.
Right now the answer for me, is : E and CJ give my life meaning. HOW E gives my life meaning will have to be looked at. Previously the meaning was F looking for a way to make E love her, and notice her loving him, seeing if she could get him to pay attention to her. Lookit me! lookit me! lookit me! like a little kid jumping up and down.
To be fair, I was a sort of little kid. But perhaps if I grow up, and do something else, we could relate better. MAybe be more like friends and less like siblings?
I mean, I am going on sabbatical, and trying to figure out what gives my life meaning.
The answers to these questions are out there. Not only are they out there... I already know some of them.
Its more a question of what i am willing to admit.
What do I really care about?
Who do I love? Who do I really like?
What means the most to me?
What do I make time for?
How do I specifically not make time for things I think I want to do, but somehow fear actually getting out there and doing?
What am I afraid of?
What do i want to do?
How do i want to do it?
What gives me something to look forward to?
The things I dread: how do I screw my self under, trying to avoid them?
Then there is Eric... I know how I feel about him... but how does he REALLY feel about me?
Right now he's all over the map, and even HE doesnt have the answer to that one. But i can infer some stuff and wonder about the rest that lurks beneath the surface. Hes like an iceburg, vast beneath the surface with only a few tippy-tips revealed above the sea of his unconcious.
Ostensibly he is on sabbatical, too.
I have discovered something, deciding to withdraw from this relationship, (or at least this form the relationship was taking) I had let him give meaning to my life. I had made my existance something that depended on his sometimes presence or not presence to give it meaning...
I was either waiting for Eric, or with Eric, waiting to see if he wanted to be with me...
This meant that if you take E entirely out of the equation, I have nothing to do. Not literally. But instead of cleaning the house up before E got home... or making dinner for E...or shopping for E's food... I simply shop.
WHAT? For MYSELF? But whats the POINT, if I am not waiting for E?
Did I not shop for things I liked before? Well, yes and no.
I shopped for E, but since he never was very good at telling me what he wanted, I would get things that I guessed would please him, and certain of those things that pleased me too, since I was there, and shopping. I got food to keep my body healthy, but didnt really think too much about what i wanted.
Now i can think about learning to make different kinds of curry. I dont have to worry who will eat it. I will.
And yet, this still is depressing to me. Not liberating. Simply sad, and empty.
E asked what would make me smile.
I had to think about this a few days. Couldnt really answer him right away.
That he would trust me enough to show me his inner soul without flinching, and stay with me long enough to find out how dearly I treasure it... I want him to come to me for acceptance and love, offering in return to me, an unconditional acceptance and love, just as I am, without having to pretend to be anyone other than completely myself, and him being completely himself, too.
I guess in some ways I want what we had when we were really young, still in our teens, that fearless love of the unhurt, bravely showing each other everything we could think of, from our bodies, to our ideas about heroism. But I hurt him, then he hurt me, and then there were years of mistrust and fumbling attempts at re-connection. Damn, we hurt each other!
But i dont know how else to make amends but to offer to help him heal in the only way I can... by stepping out of the way, and then making myself an ear for him to confide in, and show myself as a friend he can learn to trust. Maybe by taking away the extraneous societal expectations of "husband" and "wife," and just being E, and F, we could mend our hearts a little.
He will figure out what gives his life meaning.
I will figure out what gives my life meaning.
Right now the answer for me, is : E and CJ give my life meaning. HOW E gives my life meaning will have to be looked at. Previously the meaning was F looking for a way to make E love her, and notice her loving him, seeing if she could get him to pay attention to her. Lookit me! lookit me! lookit me! like a little kid jumping up and down.
To be fair, I was a sort of little kid. But perhaps if I grow up, and do something else, we could relate better. MAybe be more like friends and less like siblings?
Comments