Getting through it
Thank you for staying with me and being so gentle with me, Saturday. I wanted to be rescued, but that wasnt fair of me to ask from you, who also needed rescuing too, and I am sorry for that. But some of those things you said to me did help.
I hope some of the things I said helped too... I am sorry about the hurtfulness of some of the things I said. Looking back on it, maybe some things shouldnt be explained, just discovered. I didnt feel very happy with myself, when you told me you felt sick Saturday night.
I feel like an addict going into withdrawal. Everything hurts. There is this huge weight on my chest. I sometimes feel like its washing over me in waves, like stomach flu. This is natural. As you come get more of your things from the house, the separation becomes more real and complete. And that is scary sh*t. I do feel out of control. I am sorry if I seem controlling. I think I am flailing to grab anything I can, and impose some stability on my changing world. What I am doing right now is very strange to me. I am choosing something very different than what I want (connection), in the immediate short term. I am trying to break the cycle thats been torturing us, and choose something good for the Long term, for both of us (like developing a sacred individual identity.) I cant face the process of separation, thinking I am doing this just for me. It would feel too much like dismemberment. Also, its not true--I would have never ever done this, if it had been just for me... But also, the shove to *do it* came from your story about how you couldnt do something good for you, because it seemed like I couldnt handle it. I was ashamed, I hated feeling like I was keeping you from doing reasonable things to make you better. So this is more like separating siamese twins. I hope you feel more like I set you free to get better, than that I shoved you away, and kicked you out of my life. I want you in my life, only-- because you want to be there. Not because we have to be, out of duty, or inability to face life without help.
Sometimes I get my courage from the knowledge that this is saving us both.
But for myself... I wanted something better, too. I desperately wanted a chance for something better between us, even if it was in a hazy "someday." That miracle is not possible, now. Ok, then maybe someday. I want that chance for you to see me as a transformed person, or at least as an individual viewed through a transformed perspective.
But right now, I can barely stand it. Right now I want to puke too. I still feel like I want to climb out of my skin, or explode, off and on.
When you told me you dont have to have a reason to love me, this helped many things in my head and my aching heart. You and my gramma are the only people in my life who have loved me unconditionally, like that. Up till now, I have been afraid that if I changed too much, becoming more independant, or just too ME, maybe you would not love me anymore. Like, if I was just me, as stubborn and opinionated as God made me, following my own path, saying what I thought, maybe you would not even like me! What you said helped with that. I will try not to be afraid of finding myself again, and then being that person, because you do not need a reason to love me. You just do. As I love you. I can forgive you pretty much anything, and love you for any old damn oddball outcome... even if it doesnt fit with my life... (Scary prospect! ) because I am very interested in discovering what you will look like as who you really are.
When you spoke of respecting each other's sacred selfishness, this gave me hope. Thats something I want, too. Respect for who I am and what I want, and need--harnessed together with respect for who you are, and what you want and need, to make a place that's safe enough to let each other in, and then kinda expiriment with what happens. Mutually assured dignity, with a chance for some kind of intimacy, lets call it. Thats why I am doing this thing, tho I really hate the process of it, right now.
Most of all, I want to leave this past of ours behind. Yesterday as we were hashing out where we failed, what went wrong, why, etc... I was thinking desperately "What I really *want* is for all that hurtful yuckiness to go away!" I don't want to erase myself, but I sure want to erase the past, and the shame.
I want all the hurt, betrayal, disappointment, and failure to drain out of my heart and yours, until there is only possibility left. Right now, we are still full of this same old mess, and suffering from it's strange, distorting, poisions. Half the time, it seems like I can't even hear the words and sentences clearly, when we try to talk, and can barely recognize English. That's so painful to feel so misunderstood, and on top of that, I can't even understand simple words spoken to me. So while we work on ourselves, and become a little bit less broken people, I want to let this burden of shit go, as I let go of our sad, limping, dying marriage. I want to barf up the bad stuff of this past, hopefully to bury it deep enough that I do not have to smell its stink any more.
But there is good stuff I want to keep. It was also comforting when you said we dont have to be entirely different, alien to who we are now, only--we need to become just a little bit less broken. Maybe that means get some perspective, let go of the old stuff, develop some coping behaviours, and people skills. But I was so comforted, knowing that my essential "me" might be alright, and someday accepted by you, because that sounds like what I want. It reminds me of the Dali Lama, saying that we dont have to become perfect saints in this lifetime, only a little bit better people than we were when we started.
Perfection is not sustainable for very long. But a little bit better, a little less frightened, less toxic--I think I can do that, someday. But to be perfectly truthful, I am still afraid that we might never be in good enough shape to want to be friends again. Thats whats making my stomach churn and sleep impossible...
To boil it down...what I kind of heard you saying to me was "DO something, Lora! Dont waste time being locked up in your head, 'cause youre too scared to do the wrong thing! do anything, even if its wrong! Try stuff and see what happens! You're like watching paint dry...very very noisy paint!"
I know I have been stuck. So now I am doing something concrete and radical. Something very painful. Something I haven't been able to go thru with before. Something I want to escape from, but must complete. You getting your stuff is the first step. I really can't think beyond surviving this step, yet. I keep telling myself IT WILL GET BETTER, and eventually I will get myself to a place where I feel like I can rest, and feel safe. I want the chance to make a future where the past is buried, where the old anger's fire doesnt burn anymore, and this is how I am going to get it... by navigating these painful, scary, rapids, filled with rocks of unpredictable change. Hopefully it will go from scary to exciting, or at least, give me a satisfying feeling that I accomplished something hard, that I can be respected for.
I want to see respect in your eyes. I want you to see it in mine.
I want to be allowed to be who I am, accepted and appreciated for my unique contribution to your life... and I want to do that for you, and have you feel it deep in your bones. I want you to feel enough of it, that you can finally relax around me someday, and laugh and smile again. I dont want you to feel controlled anymore, or like I am trying to control you. Maybe in that dreamed-of someday, we will be able to give each other such friendly attention, and affection, freely and without fear, or shame, and it will be enough to build something new and beautiful. This is my positive hope, my star. Its what will get me through today, and the lonely hours tonight, the next hour. Knowing you will not be coming home is crushing, so I am trying to look for a space to breathe, and peace.
But right now is turmoil. Uncertainty, shame, fear of failure, the future, and thwarted attachment make my guts churn.
I know I just gotta start making a life, and then doing something with it. I have been told I should be excited about this prospect, but right now, it hurts to breathe, it hurts to move, and I wish I could send my mind on vacation. I have to do this alone. I need to learn to stand on my own. Thats a long scary journey, that I see ahead. I want to make plans and be excited about them, but its hard. Right now all it seems I want to do is grieve. Grieve for my dreams, grieve for my hopes, and grieve for our heartbroken past. Hopefully, the excitement will happen later.
I hope some of the things I said helped too... I am sorry about the hurtfulness of some of the things I said. Looking back on it, maybe some things shouldnt be explained, just discovered. I didnt feel very happy with myself, when you told me you felt sick Saturday night.
I feel like an addict going into withdrawal. Everything hurts. There is this huge weight on my chest. I sometimes feel like its washing over me in waves, like stomach flu. This is natural. As you come get more of your things from the house, the separation becomes more real and complete. And that is scary sh*t. I do feel out of control. I am sorry if I seem controlling. I think I am flailing to grab anything I can, and impose some stability on my changing world. What I am doing right now is very strange to me. I am choosing something very different than what I want (connection), in the immediate short term. I am trying to break the cycle thats been torturing us, and choose something good for the Long term, for both of us (like developing a sacred individual identity.) I cant face the process of separation, thinking I am doing this just for me. It would feel too much like dismemberment. Also, its not true--I would have never ever done this, if it had been just for me... But also, the shove to *do it* came from your story about how you couldnt do something good for you, because it seemed like I couldnt handle it. I was ashamed, I hated feeling like I was keeping you from doing reasonable things to make you better. So this is more like separating siamese twins. I hope you feel more like I set you free to get better, than that I shoved you away, and kicked you out of my life. I want you in my life, only-- because you want to be there. Not because we have to be, out of duty, or inability to face life without help.
Sometimes I get my courage from the knowledge that this is saving us both.
But for myself... I wanted something better, too. I desperately wanted a chance for something better between us, even if it was in a hazy "someday." That miracle is not possible, now. Ok, then maybe someday. I want that chance for you to see me as a transformed person, or at least as an individual viewed through a transformed perspective.
But right now, I can barely stand it. Right now I want to puke too. I still feel like I want to climb out of my skin, or explode, off and on.
When you told me you dont have to have a reason to love me, this helped many things in my head and my aching heart. You and my gramma are the only people in my life who have loved me unconditionally, like that. Up till now, I have been afraid that if I changed too much, becoming more independant, or just too ME, maybe you would not love me anymore. Like, if I was just me, as stubborn and opinionated as God made me, following my own path, saying what I thought, maybe you would not even like me! What you said helped with that. I will try not to be afraid of finding myself again, and then being that person, because you do not need a reason to love me. You just do. As I love you. I can forgive you pretty much anything, and love you for any old damn oddball outcome... even if it doesnt fit with my life... (Scary prospect! ) because I am very interested in discovering what you will look like as who you really are.
When you spoke of respecting each other's sacred selfishness, this gave me hope. Thats something I want, too. Respect for who I am and what I want, and need--harnessed together with respect for who you are, and what you want and need, to make a place that's safe enough to let each other in, and then kinda expiriment with what happens. Mutually assured dignity, with a chance for some kind of intimacy, lets call it. Thats why I am doing this thing, tho I really hate the process of it, right now.
Most of all, I want to leave this past of ours behind. Yesterday as we were hashing out where we failed, what went wrong, why, etc... I was thinking desperately "What I really *want* is for all that hurtful yuckiness to go away!" I don't want to erase myself, but I sure want to erase the past, and the shame.
I want all the hurt, betrayal, disappointment, and failure to drain out of my heart and yours, until there is only possibility left. Right now, we are still full of this same old mess, and suffering from it's strange, distorting, poisions. Half the time, it seems like I can't even hear the words and sentences clearly, when we try to talk, and can barely recognize English. That's so painful to feel so misunderstood, and on top of that, I can't even understand simple words spoken to me. So while we work on ourselves, and become a little bit less broken people, I want to let this burden of shit go, as I let go of our sad, limping, dying marriage. I want to barf up the bad stuff of this past, hopefully to bury it deep enough that I do not have to smell its stink any more.
But there is good stuff I want to keep. It was also comforting when you said we dont have to be entirely different, alien to who we are now, only--we need to become just a little bit less broken. Maybe that means get some perspective, let go of the old stuff, develop some coping behaviours, and people skills. But I was so comforted, knowing that my essential "me" might be alright, and someday accepted by you, because that sounds like what I want. It reminds me of the Dali Lama, saying that we dont have to become perfect saints in this lifetime, only a little bit better people than we were when we started.
Perfection is not sustainable for very long. But a little bit better, a little less frightened, less toxic--I think I can do that, someday. But to be perfectly truthful, I am still afraid that we might never be in good enough shape to want to be friends again. Thats whats making my stomach churn and sleep impossible...
To boil it down...what I kind of heard you saying to me was "DO something, Lora! Dont waste time being locked up in your head, 'cause youre too scared to do the wrong thing! do anything, even if its wrong! Try stuff and see what happens! You're like watching paint dry...very very noisy paint!"
I know I have been stuck. So now I am doing something concrete and radical. Something very painful. Something I haven't been able to go thru with before. Something I want to escape from, but must complete. You getting your stuff is the first step. I really can't think beyond surviving this step, yet. I keep telling myself IT WILL GET BETTER, and eventually I will get myself to a place where I feel like I can rest, and feel safe. I want the chance to make a future where the past is buried, where the old anger's fire doesnt burn anymore, and this is how I am going to get it... by navigating these painful, scary, rapids, filled with rocks of unpredictable change. Hopefully it will go from scary to exciting, or at least, give me a satisfying feeling that I accomplished something hard, that I can be respected for.
I want to see respect in your eyes. I want you to see it in mine.
I want to be allowed to be who I am, accepted and appreciated for my unique contribution to your life... and I want to do that for you, and have you feel it deep in your bones. I want you to feel enough of it, that you can finally relax around me someday, and laugh and smile again. I dont want you to feel controlled anymore, or like I am trying to control you. Maybe in that dreamed-of someday, we will be able to give each other such friendly attention, and affection, freely and without fear, or shame, and it will be enough to build something new and beautiful. This is my positive hope, my star. Its what will get me through today, and the lonely hours tonight, the next hour. Knowing you will not be coming home is crushing, so I am trying to look for a space to breathe, and peace.
But right now is turmoil. Uncertainty, shame, fear of failure, the future, and thwarted attachment make my guts churn.
I know I just gotta start making a life, and then doing something with it. I have been told I should be excited about this prospect, but right now, it hurts to breathe, it hurts to move, and I wish I could send my mind on vacation. I have to do this alone. I need to learn to stand on my own. Thats a long scary journey, that I see ahead. I want to make plans and be excited about them, but its hard. Right now all it seems I want to do is grieve. Grieve for my dreams, grieve for my hopes, and grieve for our heartbroken past. Hopefully, the excitement will happen later.
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