Today...and what I want tomorrow

I have really appreciated your friendship at this time.
Everything in my emotional life is swirling around like a tornado.

Hearing you tell me of your fears of being lonely, of not getting better, and of not being friends made me feel less alone. Its a scary thing to love someone so much that the only answer is to unclutch and open your hands.

I do this thing because I need it, if I want to be with you, or anyone else. I also do this thing because You need it, too, if you want to be with me or anyone else.

So I guess I am doing this for me, because I want to share a real, healthy, non-toxic love with another person who loves me in an authentic and healthy way, too. I would like to be wholeheartedly chosen, not out of duty, or because nobody else was interested, uncoerced by guilt, but chosen because this love has seen whats out there, and likes me, and what my love has to offer, best.

That feels so selfish to want.

But I want that for you, too.

We dont need conflicted love mixed with regret and anger and resentment. We dont need any more lonely evenings in each others company, wishing everything was different.

So I want you to fly, my love. I want you to try things that you have fancied. I want you to find out if that hypothetical girl out there, that likes you will be interesting, or if she's a dud, and you still like Lora best. (Because there will be girls, and I want you to go see if they do like you.) I admit I want you to come back feeling attractive and sexy, and like you want to show me how. I want to go out and learn how to flirt, and be cute, and make a man feel like hes admired and special-- so I can someday have a chance to show you how special I think you are. I want to add to my own specialness, so that if I choose to give you the great gift that is my heart again, what you will recieve will be a wonderous gift.

Because I think you deserve it.

Because you told me that you love me, and that you think I am most attractive and desirable, this gives me hope that one day, perhaps you will take a chance on me... and that this chance may become something more.

Perhaps someday, you will find someone who will truely make you so happy you will have a new yardstick for most attractive and desirable. I do want that for you, too. Because I love you with all my heart, and can forgive you anything, and wish you only good, and all happiness, I accept that this might happen. I will not love you any less, should you find another deep love. But should you not find this special person, out there after looking around, and should other people not satisfy what I once did, I will be here. I cannot promise that I will be here waiting forever, but for a good long time, I will work towards being a more whole person, more realized and fully expressed, for you. So that someday I will be a better partner, and a person who can stand on her own. (I have been warned that I may hate laundry till the day I die, but I might learn to do it--or not.)

Perhaps you may have to win me back. At this point, that is something I consider possible. I think it likely I might have to win you back as well. This makes life interesting.

I am afraid Eric. More horribly afraid than I have ever been. I feel so afraid to be alone and so unwilling to face the immediate future without your voice, our friendship, to comfort me. The next thoughts become unbearable. I cannot think them, they make me sick of my pretty bedouir, every night. So I sleep on the sofa and I do not think of it. "Whatever shall I do, now?" I think.

Well, I have broken dreams that I put down, that I can take up again. First, I will turn my room back into a place of friendly repose, rather than live with it haunted by the past. I love what you did for me there, and so I wish to keep the bed curtains, a couple of the purple walls, my lovely Tibetan furniture... but maybe I will use some paint and try new some ideas, too. It sounds like such a good introduction to making a positive change for myself. Marty has promised to help.

Riding will help too. Josh can help with that. I look at him and think of you. That saddens me. Truthfully, its why I havent gone here before. But waiting isnt gonna make this any easier. My goal will be to teach him games. Or maybe to teach Lucky, or Khan (if his weiner ever recovers.)

Thinking furthur than that makes me feel sick. Friends who want to take me out to... whatever- I dont even want to hear it... I know they mean well, but the thoght makes me sick. So I know what you mean about the last thing you want being a girlfriend. I know only too well. I am not even allowed to get a relationship even if I could stomach the thought. I have to learn independance. Right now, I just want to get better for you. I want to think of "maybe someday" and comfort myself with the thought that we could meet each other (as though) for the first time, and leave the yucky past behind. That would make the fear and the lonliness and the struggle worth it to me.

I want to show you Strong Lora.
I want to show you a person who takes care of herself, and who wants to show you how much she cares for you.
I want to show you I can see this through, and come out more whole, and a little less angry, and a little more willing to bend.

Even if you are not the most perfected Eric, and you are still broken and not who you want to be, I will love you, like I always have. I will always want to be your friend. I will always want to hold you, if you will only let me. I will always love to watch you fight (Yes! That is something I have loved!) The rest doesnt matter. We dont know what it will be, and cant know, at this point.

I will make my house more comfortable, and care for my horses and the cats. I will make art and write stories. Maybe I will share some of those stories with you on my blog, while we let time pass, and see what our lives become. Time will pass before we know it. The fires will cool down some and maybe it will be safe to touch without burning each other up.

I watched you tell me about CJ and talking to her friend, Rob, and sparring with his Goth pal. You face was shinging and your eyes were alive, and you looked like a happy man for those minutes. Perhaps this is a path for you to follow. I like this idea because it takes you close to my wished-for path, close enough without touching, that I can see it going somewhere good, and intersecting with mine in the future.

That is the thought I take out so I can think of something nice enough to let me sleep. I know this will become easier to bear, but for now, a chance of a future getting to know you again, is what it takes to bear the uncertainty and fear.