Highly personal

At least we talked. I wanted to get some things clear between the two of us, that would make it easier to understand some of the conflicting ways you act. Some of the conflicting things you say.

Yes you do say 5 diffferent thing, depending how you in feel in the moment. Just like I do too. But its hard to know what to do and what to say back. How to act. At least for me.

Remember how I looked so sad? The reason why I look sad is because I love someone I desperately wish loved me back in the same way. But he doesnt. I feel like an idiot standing around wishing he would look at me and notice nice things about me. Notice I am worth loving. Notice I am worth being close with, someday. Not that I am a nice lady for some hypothetical "nice guy" to come along and have a relationship with...but that I would be nice to find out about for himself. Because I am not the same person I was when we were married. I want him to give me a chance. And I doubt that he will. And that makes me sad. I am not ready to walk away yet. This makes me sad for myself. Because if I love myself enough, i should want a man to look at me and see i am worth befriending without imposing limits. One who will just unreservedly welcome me.

But instead I stand, kind of waiting on your door stoop.

You kind of like me, so you dont shoo me away.

We talk on the phone and we seem friendly and even loving somtimes. This gives me some warmth to bask in, but I know you dont usually take my calls in the evenings and you are busy on most weekends. But during the weekdays you talk with me plenty enough to make it worth calling you friend.

I know you have other people you are more interested in.

Until now, I felt like you felt love towards me in a sisterly way. You said that clearly.

Then you made noises like maybe you liked me in ways that felt less reserved. MAybe you liked me more than the other people in your life. During Potrero, you said so point blank.

"All my friends are fucktards except you and luther."

"Notice I am not at Potrero. I chose to be with you this weekend and not anyone else."

Ok then.

I just sorta set that aside under "He has decided I am a very worthy friend and saw that maybe my caring is sincere. "

So I decided to let you know I hold nothing in the past against you. I told you I could forgive you anything, and said I have forgiven everything between us. True. But very hard to say without feeling like a chump.

That was going out on a personal ledge for me. Exposing my vulnarable underbelly. I dont like looking like a lovesick puppy. Or like a silly doormat. I am not a doormat. I have a strong feeling for you. And when you told me you have always loved me, I felt it was worth telling you I return the feeling. Even at my worst I always love you.

When you said point blank that you loved me like you always did. That changed how I was thinking of you. Not like a brother. Not just that guy I used to know, before I got married to him and we both changed. Not even like that guy who reminds of the man I married, before he changed.

This was something else. I wasnt sure what, tho. Thats why I remarked on it. Thats why I wrote you specifically saying ...This gave me Hope. I slept and ate normally after that for days and I felt normal again.

And then asked you what you had to say about what I wrote. I was kind of letting you know I was wondering how to respond appropriately to you.
I guess I was asking "Did something just shift radically with you? Or was that just a statement of something else?"

I know you think you have been saying the same thing all the time, but you havent.

Maybe its just cause we know what we are thinking in our heads, we assume our intentions are clear. But I am am glad we can both agree that we say conflicting things, sometimes.

Look. I love you.
I want you to love me back.
I dont want you to come home right now. I am scared of getting the same old thing back.
I dont want a "relationship" right now. But I am not rejecting you...This is why:

I do want a friendship that will show me how trustworthy you are and show you the same with me.
I do want to look you over and see what kind of friend you can be. And offer you the same opportunity. You have shown me high quality friendship.
I do want to have something between us that honours the fact that both you and I seem to love each other so much it hurts, sometimes...

I cant act like its not there.
Evidently, you cant either.

ON the Other hand... You did hurt me, and make me feel horribly betrayed.
I cant forget that either, any more than you can forget how I hurt you, and made you feel horribly betrayed. Tho I forgive you completely, cause I know we were doing the best we knew how.

Also a clarification:
I absolutely dont want a relationship with someone doing intense work on himself. I dont want to get in the way of this so-important journey.

I really dont want a relationship right now because I am learning how to be emotionally self-sufficient. A "relationship" would mess with that.

BUt I would like to feel like what have is an evolving closeness that i dont have to be afraid of.

Now, am I saying I want you to somehow make some room for me in your life?

Yeah, THAT is what I am trying to say.

But I dont want to get used. Thats when I say angry sounding things.
Or rejecting sounding things. I am afraid of getting used. I think you are too.

I am trying out this "respect" thingie. I dont know much about it. I havent seen it much. But I have heard about it and it seems really nice. And I want to show it to you, but i also want to have some for myself. Can you show me some? I think you have. Thats why I have been so horribly honest with you.

I have told you things its sacred the dickens out of me to say. But I respect you enough to give you a chance to show me you can handle it. You havent made me sorry yet. Admitting that I want you to love me back is so hard! I accept you might not return that feeling, and facing that is part of the whole deal. Surviving that is part of the emotional self-sufficiency part. I am not demanding a relationship. I am not precisely telling you I dont want a relationship. I am saying i dont want a relationship now under these circumstances... Or with someone who doesnt want one with me with all his heart.

Am I saying I wish you wanted me? Yes. With all my heart.

Am I saying you have to want me, or I'll throw a fit? No. You dont have to want me. If you dont, I will find someone acceptable, eventually, that will want me too.

I probably will even love you just the same, too. I might do different things in the evenings and stuff, but it wouldn't change how I feel. I will always feel love for you.

But in the end, I will always like you best. You say that everything you love most is here on this farm. Somtimes I wonder if you could come be with it more often, since the love you have is like water to flowers, to all that waits for you on this farm. I prefer you to all others. So does Baby Kitty. So does Stella. Stella doesnt even seem to like me.

dont know what I am saying except that I love you so much it hurts me too. I dont know what to do
I know I CANT have a relationship with you now.
but I hurt and I want closeness with you. And I want to feel accepted.
I dont care about the mixed signals if I can feel accepted and appreciated for what I am.
Just for now, thats all I want... Acceptance and appreciation for what I am.. and maybe for what I am trying to be, too-- because its hard. I am fighting so much.

I do believe I am such a worthy little being. I fight so hard to do the right things.

Right now I am so tired.

Please read this. I am trying so hard to make myself clear.