more personal stuff

I dont want to be a pest. But I do like talking to you. I really enjoy being your friend and sharing stuff with you again, that I haven't really felt too good about letting on about too much, up till now. I got so it felt a little scary to talk about my feelings, or my dreams and fantasies. Like It might get thrown back at me, or you might take it wrong. Now you seem like you are interested in that stuff, sometimes, and that you accept it, and even welcome hearing it. And it increasingly seems like it would be safe to tell you personal things, and you wont make me sorry I told you.

Which is really cool. For a long time I sorta sat there, longing for you to be interested in what was really goin on with me. And it feels WAY better to know i can trust you not to hurt me with the stuff I tell you, by taking it all wrong, or making me feel bad about it. Instead you have shown me that the feelings and ideas I covered up for a long time out of shame or fear, are Ok with you. And that I can tell you about this stuff and you dont see me as abnormal or ugly or stupid inside, but interesting, and attractive as a person, and a friend who has something to offer. This is such a relief and a blessing. It truly feels like balm on sore parched lips. This has healed so much between us. I dont feel so unworthy anymore. I feel normal!

You have shown me very unexpected and neat stuff goes on inside of you, too. Really interesting and cool inside-stuff. You have some great insights, some wonderfully unique and fun-to-discover details to your personality. Its kind of like finding a hidden world in a nondescript corner of your garden, behind a door you hadnt noticed before. I find i still love everything that makes you Eric, the bright and the dark corners, and all the strange unrevealed mysteries in between. Instead of being a person who is attractive/scary (that I am worried about pleasing, and not disappointing, ever, or the consequences could be ugly) you have become someone whose perspectives are very valuable to me, and whose opinions I trust, and who pays attention to me in healthy, morale-building ways. So you are attractive in a different way, now, than you have been for years. Ways that make me feel good about myself for caring about you so deeply. So i call, and like to hear what you have to say. We have comfortable silences again. I am content to just know you are friendly and there. I am proud to say to myself that I love you. You are well worth loving.

I know you feel all unstable and antisocial somtimes. So do I. There are times when I dont want to hear from or see anyone. I wont answer my phone sometimes, for anyone but you, and holly or Marti. And sometimes I will only pick up for you. Sometimes I feel like a freak. Sometimes I am needy, and now sometimes, I am starting to feel strong. Like i will be ok. Like i can someday make myself ok. There are other times when I get grumpy, that I just dont want anyone to bother me or ask anything from me. There are times when i miss you in the worst way, and other times I get worried and just want some contact, but brief contact, to know everythings still fine, youre still there and we're still friends. Like yesterday when you sent the picture to my email, and that was enough....Cause for so long in the past, I didnt know what was going on with you, so I worry, but dont want to be a bother, either, or interrupt a busy day of my own. And I wasnt sure of what you wanted me to do. That so-appropriate picture you emailed me made me feel like everything was still ok, put my problems in perspective, and I could just do whatever I had to do with my afternoon, and not worry that you were avoiding me--you were just busy. I like it when you send me texts to tell me you are busy, too.

I dont like trying to call repeatedly, trying to catch you in your office, in case you dont have your phone, or theres a problem with it, if you just dont want to talk, or you're real busy. I worry alot about being impolite. I also dont want to call too much. But i like this new supportive thing that I have noticed between us.

Anyway, lately you've been quite like the friend I used to really trust and value, and who I missed for years. You are a man with flaws and stuff, I know. But that just makes you interesting, and human--just like i am. Its way less scary. I like that Not- scary thing. Alot.

Remember what I am fighting for is normal. Not perfect, not even super good. Just normal.

Knowing that you have shared with me that you face many of the same struggles, makes me feel way closer to normal.