Musings after Riding Khan
I had a really good few days.
Minus the g.i. upset. Which really are pretty easily overlooked, since physical discomfort is just sort of a temporary blip... I mean, its sorta like what you were saying about taking physical pain over humiliation any day. It'll get better and I'll forget about it.
But I am not gonna forget the feeling of doing that first really good rollback on Khan. That was SO awesome! It was like seeing light after being stuck in a cave for a week. It was unexpected pleasure of accomplishment, warmth of hope, and that great "I did it! I did it!" vindication of the confidence you made me feel.
You are more than just a person I WANT to be my friend. You really showed yourself to be a REAL friend. You believed in me, in a way that I could also feel, and it changed my life for the better. Your confidence helped me to find my own confidence, buried like a seed way down deep. I am still excited, and totally stoked and hopeful about myself now. I hope you can come see me ride him someday, so you can see what a gift you led me to. Its super-important that this was something you didn't do FOR me. Because i want to show you (and myself, most importantly) that I am not lame. I did it for myself! Myself! myself! myself! But its also super important that you always believed I could. Thats something thats been one of the most important reasons I love you. You always believe I am capable. Even when you get mad at me for not doing things, its because you know I can do it.
So instead of being grumpy that you were mad at me, part of my soul has been warmed.
But this is different.
I told you I will bring you my "little pink balloons" and the "big red ones" since you promised you wouldnt pop them. That was a HUGE moment for me. HUGE. It gave me confidence in you as a full fledged friend, not as a half-trusted friend. I could count on you not to wreak my happy moments, because you said you wanted to share them. You promised to be gentle with them.
There is nothing I want more than to share my happinesses and triumphs with you. Even if it is just a victory over an upset stomach. Or an unjustified fear of being disappointed in myself. I want to bring it over, so we can grin about it together. This was great.
I mean, you have lately offered me all kinds of opportunities to face all kinds of things that have scared me. And I have found that I have done okay facing every one. Being able to talk to you with fearless honesty has been a really big thing. Admit I have needs that are sometimes embarrassing, confide that something hurt me, when I am scared you might not be happy to hear it. You have been equal to that difficult honesty in meeting what I have had to say with a very serious thoughtfulness. You have made amends to me by discussing difficult stuff in a heartfelt and non-defensive manner. And you have apologized for things that went wrong that I wasnt even sure bringing up was a good idea... and it turned out ok. Much has been mended, in my "trust" department. This is another little pink balloon to share.
Everything is not suddenly fine.
But I am sharing some happiness today, while i am still having it. I am grinning at you and kind of shyly saying that some good developments in my life are giving me strength to keep going on the stuff I am still uncertain on, now. Strength to keep pushing on with Khan. Confidence to chill out on stuff that would have concerned me or even given me panic attacks before.
Its been nice for me when good things happen, and instead of having a panic attack (because you saw that happen once) I got happy, and felt buoyant, and this helped me deal with stuff like... Barfing in front of a friend I would rather not have see me that way. Or postponing what we wanted to do this Thurs, for maybe NEXT Thurs (is that ok?) Its not such a huge crushing disappointment in myself. Its just stuff that happened. I hope its ok. And then life goes on, and I look forward to riding Khan again this afternoon, and getting ravioli for lunch.
But you have shown yourself to be an emotionally supportive REAL friend. Not just wishful thinking on our parts, hoping we'll be nice, and not hurt each other this time we interact. Just...plain, friends... and a good solid, loving one, at that. It was nice when you surprised me and we had decadent (victory for me) breakfast. I was celebrating inside that I could believe in myself and I wouldnt get hurt because of it. And i could believe in you, and it turned out better than ok. And I could believe in Khan, and love him, and not need what I didnt have, but be happy with what I had already. This gives me confidence that taking the complicated path, and staying friends with you, and trying to be separate too, somehow, is worth pursuing. Learning to deal with the whole separate/close thing is hard, especially when I am starting to FEEL emotions very strongly, for the first time in ages. But on Saturday, when I got to tell you how cool it was to pick up my hand and feel Khan pivot, while waiting for some pizza, it was worth it. We're not fixed by a long shot, but i could feel the process starting, instead of just a static state of brokenness. I was afraid I would be broken forever and thats just how i was. Now I kinda see that all the confusion, and complexity have a POINT, that goes somewhere. And I could feel why its important to do things on my own. But I also take extreme pleasure in sharing the feeling of accomplishment and some of the credit with you.
I kinda hope you feel some of that, too.
Minus the g.i. upset. Which really are pretty easily overlooked, since physical discomfort is just sort of a temporary blip... I mean, its sorta like what you were saying about taking physical pain over humiliation any day. It'll get better and I'll forget about it.
But I am not gonna forget the feeling of doing that first really good rollback on Khan. That was SO awesome! It was like seeing light after being stuck in a cave for a week. It was unexpected pleasure of accomplishment, warmth of hope, and that great "I did it! I did it!" vindication of the confidence you made me feel.
You are more than just a person I WANT to be my friend. You really showed yourself to be a REAL friend. You believed in me, in a way that I could also feel, and it changed my life for the better. Your confidence helped me to find my own confidence, buried like a seed way down deep. I am still excited, and totally stoked and hopeful about myself now. I hope you can come see me ride him someday, so you can see what a gift you led me to. Its super-important that this was something you didn't do FOR me. Because i want to show you (and myself, most importantly) that I am not lame. I did it for myself! Myself! myself! myself! But its also super important that you always believed I could. Thats something thats been one of the most important reasons I love you. You always believe I am capable. Even when you get mad at me for not doing things, its because you know I can do it.
So instead of being grumpy that you were mad at me, part of my soul has been warmed.
But this is different.
I told you I will bring you my "little pink balloons" and the "big red ones" since you promised you wouldnt pop them. That was a HUGE moment for me. HUGE. It gave me confidence in you as a full fledged friend, not as a half-trusted friend. I could count on you not to wreak my happy moments, because you said you wanted to share them. You promised to be gentle with them.
There is nothing I want more than to share my happinesses and triumphs with you. Even if it is just a victory over an upset stomach. Or an unjustified fear of being disappointed in myself. I want to bring it over, so we can grin about it together. This was great.
I mean, you have lately offered me all kinds of opportunities to face all kinds of things that have scared me. And I have found that I have done okay facing every one. Being able to talk to you with fearless honesty has been a really big thing. Admit I have needs that are sometimes embarrassing, confide that something hurt me, when I am scared you might not be happy to hear it. You have been equal to that difficult honesty in meeting what I have had to say with a very serious thoughtfulness. You have made amends to me by discussing difficult stuff in a heartfelt and non-defensive manner. And you have apologized for things that went wrong that I wasnt even sure bringing up was a good idea... and it turned out ok. Much has been mended, in my "trust" department. This is another little pink balloon to share.
Everything is not suddenly fine.
But I am sharing some happiness today, while i am still having it. I am grinning at you and kind of shyly saying that some good developments in my life are giving me strength to keep going on the stuff I am still uncertain on, now. Strength to keep pushing on with Khan. Confidence to chill out on stuff that would have concerned me or even given me panic attacks before.
Its been nice for me when good things happen, and instead of having a panic attack (because you saw that happen once) I got happy, and felt buoyant, and this helped me deal with stuff like... Barfing in front of a friend I would rather not have see me that way. Or postponing what we wanted to do this Thurs, for maybe NEXT Thurs (is that ok?) Its not such a huge crushing disappointment in myself. Its just stuff that happened. I hope its ok. And then life goes on, and I look forward to riding Khan again this afternoon, and getting ravioli for lunch.
But you have shown yourself to be an emotionally supportive REAL friend. Not just wishful thinking on our parts, hoping we'll be nice, and not hurt each other this time we interact. Just...plain, friends... and a good solid, loving one, at that. It was nice when you surprised me and we had decadent (victory for me) breakfast. I was celebrating inside that I could believe in myself and I wouldnt get hurt because of it. And i could believe in you, and it turned out better than ok. And I could believe in Khan, and love him, and not need what I didnt have, but be happy with what I had already. This gives me confidence that taking the complicated path, and staying friends with you, and trying to be separate too, somehow, is worth pursuing. Learning to deal with the whole separate/close thing is hard, especially when I am starting to FEEL emotions very strongly, for the first time in ages. But on Saturday, when I got to tell you how cool it was to pick up my hand and feel Khan pivot, while waiting for some pizza, it was worth it. We're not fixed by a long shot, but i could feel the process starting, instead of just a static state of brokenness. I was afraid I would be broken forever and thats just how i was. Now I kinda see that all the confusion, and complexity have a POINT, that goes somewhere. And I could feel why its important to do things on my own. But I also take extreme pleasure in sharing the feeling of accomplishment and some of the credit with you.
I kinda hope you feel some of that, too.
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