what would make my life a success?

I liked playing hooky yesterday. it was kinda fun to watch something silly together!
I was really glad you called me last night too.
It made a super big difference to me.
I truly meant what I said to you last night about you always having a place with me on the farm, because it was our shared dream, and I want you to keep that place if you ever want it. The kitties are your kids too. If you ever want to share the dream again, I want to make room for you, in whatever way you want to participate.

Tori sent me a Blog Meme: this is an idea for a subject to blog on that other bloggers are currently blogging on. This was: TEN THINGS I WOULD LIKE TO DO TO CALL MYSELF A SUCCESS IN LIFE.

I had to think about that. But not hard, because I think we talk about that stuff all the time.

There are several things I hope for in the future. I think they are rather modest.

I want an outstanding little icelandic mare to be our lovable little friend, and riding horse. I love having you be part of my life. I would like your company, over here, so that you could ride that little dream-horse with me, out on the trails, keeping me company, like we used to ride together sometimes in the past. I would like to be riding beside you, on Spider. I want to learn how to dance with you, and by myself (bellydancing,) and get to dress up and be pretty when we go out to dance. (Because i love to dress up and make myself look nice, I really do.) I want to have grass growing all over the farm, thats green even, with jacaranda trees for shade, and roses on the fence, to make this place a pretty refuge for you to visit... a place where you can come and hold sweet little animals in your lap, work on Garb, (because again, I like to be pretty and see you be handsome too) or sit out on the grass in front of the barn and be comfortable, and just enjoy a summer evening sitting on a blanket on the grass, with a dog hanging out with us. I want this little world of plants and animals (and dirt!) to be comfy and home-like. Because to me, sharing it makes it more fun. Having things be beautiful is more fun when you (because you are special and know my struggles)are there to appreciate it, and feel the contentment with me. Alot of times, thats what gets me off my butt to clean up the house... the thought that I would like to share my space, sometimes, and its not very sharable when it looks like a tornado hit it. I want to be proud of my world. Dimly, it even dawns on me, that this is up to me.

I really liked having cookouts on the grill like we used to sometimes do, during the summer, so the back yard has to be nice.

I think that cookouts would be fun to do again someday. Maybe with CJ as company, or some future squires. She likes to cook on the grill and I think it might be safe to let her, if we watch carefully. Maybe we can make the squires watch her...

More than anything, I like getting comfortable together. My Ultimate "my life is successful" goal is to just have a world where normal is possible sometimes, and somehow share some of the pieces of that normal with you.

We are fighting Darkness. Horrible personal darkness is a stubborn enemy. Getting enough of it out of my life to enjoy little bits of my world, with my favorite person there to see it happen, would be the very definition of a success in life, right now.

Put in a distant second place all the things like breeding rock star Tekes, and being able to do the Parelli training courses, so that my rock star Tekes are useful citizens, writing a book, and becoming a better artist, or being more active in the SCA and getting recognized for something I can do there.... Those things are like icing on the cake. I think just gaining mastery over my farm, keeping its condition under control, doing something with the horses every day, and figuring out how to get my mental state under control (Managing parents, overcoming fears, daring to love you, getting cool with the laundry, even cooking healthful things to eat regularly, while finding time for pleasure) is success. Not worrying till I'm miserable, hiding from the world, or letting fear of loss get in the way of living my life fearlessly and fully, and authentically, is the brass ring.

Because without that brass ring, I cant enjoy, or feel the victory of having attained all the other stuff. Now if I try to learn how to dance, and work at a book, and take lessons with a Parelli professional, thats a path to figuring out all the rest. While I work, and live, and henna feet, do things with the horses, and hit the movies with you, I get cool with myself, and fight the darkness with laughter, and moving forward with my life, and even fight mental anguish by fixing up the farm. Skindy even helps me fight the personal darkness, by reminding me that I am loved by climbing into my arms and kissing my face over and over, and letting me love her. I can kiss her as much I want and she doesnt mind. She wants to be held and held, and cuddled like a baby.

Sometimes you help me fight the darkness by blowing into my day like a warm breeze and just being yourself. The fact that you love our kitties as much as I do, the fact that you miss Rex and Skoogie every day, like I do, and even the fact that you kinda liked the Golden Zephyr as much as I did is enough.