my brains are killing me!!!

yesterday I baby-proofed Dayzas stall. She is getting more shy as her mom teaches her that humans are bad. The worst thing is that I cant argue with her, Darpa was horribly abused. She trusts me, but only so far. I can only go down there with a bag of treats and prove to her otherwise. So today is "Friendly day" we shall play friendly with everyone, until I am satisfied that we have all had a chance to be Friendly with each other. (sigh.) If only it was that easy with people.

I need to be friendly with Sam, so that he gets his lessons, but still knows I want to be his best friend... I need to be friendly with Khan, because he has been soooooo depressed, since Sadyr died, that I am worried about him. Subsequently, a big dose of friendly is needed to cheer him up. (Also, I need to clean his stall.) Kara needs friendly to convince her that I havent forgotten her, now that there are all these babiesgetting born on the property... shes still the cutest thing in my life, next to the kittens of course...

And then theres E.

He's coming over to the house today. He had to pick 9 to 11 as his time. (Sigh) I am planning to go to breakfast with Mercy, but I am unsure if she will be up to do it. Hopefully she will show up on time. I may go to the diner, and wait for her there. That would preclude any unwanted encounters, and keep my "thirty days, no contact" intact. I still love him like hell. That makes everything more painful. I want him to love me back, but in a way that wont destroy us both.

How we can win each other's respect, and not kill each other in the process is a mystery.

The DVD he sent me is a mystery. Why? To keep his word? Because he still likes me? Does he want me to respect him, too? Why would he want to show me that he cares what I like, and want to become? Thats an "I love you, and want your respect," thing. I cant figure it out. This man just totally breaks my mind.

If the stallion respects you, he doesnt push you around, try to move your feet, and intimidate you into giving ground up to him. He stays in his space and allows you yours. Applying this logic to my life has been difficult. I am constantly giving ground and So is he. We both test and push each other constantly, which is what young stallions do, vying for dominance. The crazy-making partis when one part says "I dont wanna be your boss" with words, but deeds say otherwise.

(pause of a few days, while post languishes in the drafts folder)

Well, its been an interesting few days.

Crazy stuff is happening, and I feel more confused than usual. E left me a drawing, taped on the kitchen cabinet. The note was bland. Friendly but bland. The picture was of Kenny, my favorite cat, who died about three years ago, right after we moved to this place. Ken-dog hits me smack dab in the middle of my heart. I can't tell what he means by leaving me this little morsel of friendship. Is he playing "friendly" with me?

Now on the other hand, other people are not playing friendly at all. C did something that reminded me of Aileen, someone who really hurt me, and almost got me killed, about sixteen years ago. Aileen told someone something very hurtful, "Because I cant stand to see you being lied to any more." Actually it was because she wanted to hurt me, and she wanted to date the recipient of her distorted (untruthful) report, and in order to do that, she had to get me out of his life.

This was something similar.

Someone took it upon themselves to tell me that my "whole married life has been a lie."She told me that my husband has never really loved me, and that he actually hates my guts. Now, even if this is true, the last person in the world that I need to hear this from is C. And hearing from her ( a bonafied shit-starter) that she heard from her boyfriend that E said (fill in the blank with whatever horrible thing you can think of) and that I should just forget about him and move on.

Upshot:

E thinks I am a scheming, manipulative, soulless, bitch who will stop at nothing to get her way, and keep him ensnared in her unholy clutches, regardless of how he suffers. That I maliciously went and got Sam over his protestations, knowing it was the last thing I should do. I am a disgusting lazy pig, with nothing about me that is attractive or good.

Well, at first I was devistated. I cried till my face looked like a tufted pillow. Then it occurred to me that E had told me specifically on July 4, a and a couple of other recent occasions, that these people were no friends of mine, wanted me out of his life, and that they could not be trusted (by me.) Ok. So I hear what they said he said, and E cant defend himself, and they know I cant ask him about it, because I have this 30 days no contact thing, that I am doing, and theres about two weeks to go. This looks less like a friendly warning from someone who cares about both parties, and more like torturing someone these people verifiably dont like.

Hmmmmm.

So I sit and think on this awhile... He gave me a super-thoughtful present which he ordered AFTER we started our "silent" period. He left me a nice picture and a thoughtful note, which he didnt have to do, and which took some effort on his part. If he hated me, why leave the nice picture of my favorite cat, so I could do a watercolor study from it? Hate would pick up his Sh*t, and maybe clean out the rest of the CDs from the CD towers in the project room. Hate would just leave the picture of the cat in his tablet, and forget about it...or throw it in the trash. I left his shirt out, in case he wanted to take it, and send it to the dry cleaners, and he threw it back on the hamper. OK. Thats confusing, ambiguous, but not hateful. I think he likes the shirt. I dunno. Maybe he leaves only the clothes he hates here, so he never has to wear them again. Its possible. But that doesnt square with the thoughtful present which he didn't have to send, and the note he didn't have to leave. These are neutral things, at best, perhaps indicating some friendliness, or just appreciation for our last talk, which was friendly in tone. I try not to read more into it.

So I asked a discreet friend to let him know that people were saying things to me that perhaps he had said to them, in confidence. At the very least, they were things he prolly didnt want repeated, because they make him look like a cad, and at worst, they are lies or distortions of what he may have really said, repeated to hurt me, and perhaps intended to drive me to say something terrible to him. She hasn't called yet, to my knowledge. I am very nervous about it. But he needs to know someone is trying to cause trouble for me, in a very peurile Jr High School way, but its trouble that has an excellent chance of spilling over into his life. Perhaps, they hoped that it would make something that is not easy, even worse for me, simplistically never dreaming it was a significant betrayal of their friend, too.

OH, MY ACHING HEAD!!!!

You know, I thought that by not talking to him, this transition period from "seperated, with hope" to "getting divorced" would be made so much easier. Looks like I was wrong. People suck. I am very lucky to have the supportive friends that I am blessed with. So far they have not slagged E, nor have they said much, when listening to me pour out my troubles, my fears, my lonliness to them, except to remind me that they are with me, and that they are not going anyplace, no matter what happens with me, or what I should decide to do with my uncertain future life... I think that is a very comforting thought. And it is not one that will be hard to live with, should anyone repeat it to E later, for any reason.

I am worried about him, for he does not have any such comparably wise and kindly friends.