what am I up to?

Well, for those of you who do not know, my personal life is in a shambles. Just when it looked like E and I were getting to be better friends, he decided that the pain wasnt worth it. The night my horse died, he let me know he didnt plan to stay my husband.

This was pretty much a devistation. But not alltogether unexpected. He hasn't been all-in or all out for a long time. Instead just kinda trying, without tackling any of the hard stuff between us, cause it was just too painful for him to touch, I guess. I know when we tried to talk about the past I felt like I was fighting for my life, defending myself, and would get off the phone choking on sobs, and feeling like he hated me, and could never forgive me. I guess the feeling was the same for him.

I asked him to go a month and think about it, with no communication between us.

This will be as much to keep me from saying anything, while he thinks over his decision, as it will be to give him room to heal, and be sure this is really what he wants to do. I dont want to beg him to stay, as I do not want a man who does not want me, but I sure wish we could take some time apart and just leave it open ended. We never spent more than two weeks apart before, and our "time apart" stuff taught me alot, and changed me in beneficial ways. I am hoping this will help us both to clear our heads and get some much needed healing, and rest from the roller coaster of emotions. Maybe this will be good practice for me on being divorced.

I figure that after a month not talking, I will be better able to handle the emotional disengagement, hopefully.

Everything hurts.

My new horse that came to replace Sadyr, is Sodom. I am going to call him Samir. "Sammy" for short. Everyone likes a Sammy! I cannot say the same for Sodom or Saddam. Not a good name.

I feel sad when I look at him. He's fat and shiny and pretty, and instead of appreciating him properly I just have this niggling little wish he was Sadyr. I resent that he HAS to be here. I wish he was somebody else, somebody nicer, already much loved and fought for. Instead, we have...a cipher. He is calming down now that he is not being fed three buckets of oats a day. At first he was nervous and highly agitated. He threw himself around alot and acted like an idiot. My heart sank. Good little Sadyr had been replaced by THIS? So i decided to put my feelins on hold and give him a few days to settle in.

Now, I am viewing Samir more positively.



1)At least I have seen his weiner, without having to resort to drugs.
2)he has a better pedigree
3)he is quite large
4)he suits my purposes admirably, at least for now.

Also he seems to be smart as a whip and appears to be catching on to the idea that if he is nice to me, his life is happy and pain free, with opportunities for entertainment, nice scenery, and some pleasant excercise.

This is my new project to keep my mind off my broken heart: Civilize Samir.

I have plenty of opportunity to work hard and make myself tired enough to sleep good at night and so thats what I plan to do. Is my heart breaking? well, now that I think about it, I think that both E's heart, and mine, broke long ago, and thats why we are both so sad.