Why I thought things were better
You know, I thought things were better between E and I. I mentioned that in a previous post and then I thought I should explain why, instead of leaving you wondering how I coud be so blind, since we were both so obviously wounded and suffering...
Ok. Well, the first thing to understand is that I think a lot of our problems come from a place of lack of respect for each other. You see, if you dont respect someone, its easier to be angry with them and harder to stop your impulsively angry reaction, if they do or say something you don't immediately like. Its easier to be dismissive, and say "Thats so stupid!" ...or crazy, or gullible, (or insert your favorite way to brush off something ligitimate, but uncomfortable, here) and not get their (sometimes uncomfortable) point or POV. Why change for someone you dont respect? Why obey them? Why work hard to please them? And worst of all, it makes you mad that you ever did.
How do you get respect back?
Depends on each situation and person.
I had some big thinks on this, lately. I think its the main reason why I would not ask him to take me back, one more time. Its wrong. If I dont respect him and he doesnt respect me (and I think if we are honest, we both know its true to a certain extent, everything will keep breaking down.
I think its why everything keeps breaking down now.
Remember how I said, that in each fight we had, I felt like I was fighting for my life? Its was actually his respect, I was fighting for, and my own. I wanted him to respect my position, respect me, but it was WAY too late. Respect isn't won in an arguement-- its lost there.
Respect is won in real life.
When he asked me what I wanted in bed, it won my respect in a tiny little way. When he went through with what I asked for, it won a much larger share of respect for him, back. When I got sick at Disneyland, and really wanted to go home, and he took me, and was really nice about it, I started to think this was more than an interesting novelty. One of the biggest things I respected was when he changed counselors. That was a big jump into the unknown, and it was a scary jump. I could deeply respect that kind of move. It was a leap of faith, and it said "I want to feel better again!" and it showed he was serious about it.
I think its hard to respect someone who looks like they dont really want to get better, but instead just wallows in their problems, blaming others. I am sorry to admit that I may have looked like that a few times, myself. So I wanted to reciprocate by giving him something.
So when he asked me about where I wanted to go with my horses, and what I was hoping to do, I told him. It was scary, and it was also something that felt good--I gave him some trust. You dont generally give trust to someone you dont respect. He listened and gave good counsel, I felt like I could respect that, too. When he asked me to put on something that made me feel sexy, something that *I* liked, not just what I thought *he* would like... I really respected that, too. He had reached out, and kind of let me know he wanted to know ME! the real me, and not the suckup fake me, that just wanted to please him! I felt like maybe the time I had spent hiding myself from him would come to an end. We could be REAL friends again. Maybe he would come to love the real me, who had been evolving, and unseen, deep underneath the controlled surface-me, hoping desperately that she could come out and have her turn at being honoured. To be Seen, and then Chosen was my dearest wish.
I have to believe that E felt the same yearning to be accepted just as he was, without having to fear being taken advantage of, or being betrayed.
I earned disrepect by:
being irresponsible and and allowing him to be my parent
being petulant
turning my back on him
refusing to cooperate (because I felt unheard or suspicious)
acting spoiled
not taking care of myself
being unjustly suspicious
not taking care of E as a wife should (because I was mad and hurt)
Showing a marked lack of concern for his wishes (because I thought he was unsympathetic to my concerns)
Geneally acting out
Embearassing you in front of your St george friends (Sometimes I didnt know I was)
not acting like a grownup (In my defense, I didnt know how)
being Lazy
not having a proper job
insisting on answering to noone and nothing like a boss
Not showing any interest in Eric's interests or actually feeling threatened by them
By wanting him, even when he were at his lowest, treating me very badly, because that is just too hard to understand
I think one of the biggest misunderstandings we had, and one of the most ultimately destructive ones, was about some books brought home to read. I got them to help me figure out just who I was, how i was different, and decide what I liked, and wanted to keep, and what I needed to turn loose of, now that I didn't need it. I wanted to understand what some of my abuse issues had done to my little noodle, and really wanted E to gain some insight into me, (and regain some respect from him) by maybe learning about an aspect of myself that I had ambivilant feelings about.
I carried a terrible rage inside of me, that some of what I grew up just accepting had been imposed on me without my consent, making of me a thing that was hard for many to understand or accept without revultion. I never imagined that E would be one of those people. But he was. And when I tried to talk about it, wishing to be understood, accepted, and loved, despite it, or even valued because I had survived and prospered because of my ability to use this as a virtue--it just freaked him out. Which felt like rejection, and was something I couldnt understand. Now the terrible rage was directed at me and him, too.
He felt like he was being asked to be something he was not, pushed into a mold he didnt want to fit. I was too busy feeling hurt and rejected to notice he also hurt, and maybe was scared. Maybe we didnt tell each other, about what was going on inside of us, so good. All I was hearing was "thats gross, and YOURE weird." All I think he heard was "I want you to take on this (unnatural for him) role." In hindsight, I think maybe that all he saw was that I was asking him questions he'd rather not answer, and he wanted to make me stop.
I was seeking to be loved for myself and understood. I wanted help loving a part of me I was having trouble accepting, too. I can't cut it off. I'd thought that since I knew he loved me, that if I told him about this problem, he would help me with what was troubling me. Instead i freaked him out and made it trouble him.
Damn. I wish I'd known.
Trying to get closer, I'd done something really destructive. I wanted to be loved, despite my issues, and maybe even because I'd survived them, and learned to mold them into something like qualities I could be proud of. This whole episode of my life is one thing I really wish I could change, but when I think of how I'd do it differently, I am stopped cold. I haven't a practical clue as to *how* I could do it differently. Somehow I would change it, but I still stop short of the desire to hide myself, or pretend to be different than I am, or to have a history with redacted parts, edited out, out of shame. I guess I would ask him to pity me, instead of value me, for this thing we discussed. Maybe that would have seemed less fucked up, and more like I was asking for help. I dunno, somehow that seems fucked up too... Its one of the few things about myself that i hate. I so wanted to be understood, and trying to be known, I'd ended up fucking with my favorite person's boundaries, and alienating him, even more.
Ok. Well, the first thing to understand is that I think a lot of our problems come from a place of lack of respect for each other. You see, if you dont respect someone, its easier to be angry with them and harder to stop your impulsively angry reaction, if they do or say something you don't immediately like. Its easier to be dismissive, and say "Thats so stupid!" ...or crazy, or gullible, (or insert your favorite way to brush off something ligitimate, but uncomfortable, here) and not get their (sometimes uncomfortable) point or POV. Why change for someone you dont respect? Why obey them? Why work hard to please them? And worst of all, it makes you mad that you ever did.
How do you get respect back?
Depends on each situation and person.
I had some big thinks on this, lately. I think its the main reason why I would not ask him to take me back, one more time. Its wrong. If I dont respect him and he doesnt respect me (and I think if we are honest, we both know its true to a certain extent, everything will keep breaking down.
I think its why everything keeps breaking down now.
Remember how I said, that in each fight we had, I felt like I was fighting for my life? Its was actually his respect, I was fighting for, and my own. I wanted him to respect my position, respect me, but it was WAY too late. Respect isn't won in an arguement-- its lost there.
Respect is won in real life.
When he asked me what I wanted in bed, it won my respect in a tiny little way. When he went through with what I asked for, it won a much larger share of respect for him, back. When I got sick at Disneyland, and really wanted to go home, and he took me, and was really nice about it, I started to think this was more than an interesting novelty. One of the biggest things I respected was when he changed counselors. That was a big jump into the unknown, and it was a scary jump. I could deeply respect that kind of move. It was a leap of faith, and it said "I want to feel better again!" and it showed he was serious about it.
I think its hard to respect someone who looks like they dont really want to get better, but instead just wallows in their problems, blaming others. I am sorry to admit that I may have looked like that a few times, myself. So I wanted to reciprocate by giving him something.
So when he asked me about where I wanted to go with my horses, and what I was hoping to do, I told him. It was scary, and it was also something that felt good--I gave him some trust. You dont generally give trust to someone you dont respect. He listened and gave good counsel, I felt like I could respect that, too. When he asked me to put on something that made me feel sexy, something that *I* liked, not just what I thought *he* would like... I really respected that, too. He had reached out, and kind of let me know he wanted to know ME! the real me, and not the suckup fake me, that just wanted to please him! I felt like maybe the time I had spent hiding myself from him would come to an end. We could be REAL friends again. Maybe he would come to love the real me, who had been evolving, and unseen, deep underneath the controlled surface-me, hoping desperately that she could come out and have her turn at being honoured. To be Seen, and then Chosen was my dearest wish.
I have to believe that E felt the same yearning to be accepted just as he was, without having to fear being taken advantage of, or being betrayed.
I earned disrepect by:
being irresponsible and and allowing him to be my parent
being petulant
turning my back on him
refusing to cooperate (because I felt unheard or suspicious)
acting spoiled
not taking care of myself
being unjustly suspicious
not taking care of E as a wife should (because I was mad and hurt)
Showing a marked lack of concern for his wishes (because I thought he was unsympathetic to my concerns)
Geneally acting out
Embearassing you in front of your St george friends (Sometimes I didnt know I was)
not acting like a grownup (In my defense, I didnt know how)
being Lazy
not having a proper job
insisting on answering to noone and nothing like a boss
Not showing any interest in Eric's interests or actually feeling threatened by them
By wanting him, even when he were at his lowest, treating me very badly, because that is just too hard to understand
I think one of the biggest misunderstandings we had, and one of the most ultimately destructive ones, was about some books brought home to read. I got them to help me figure out just who I was, how i was different, and decide what I liked, and wanted to keep, and what I needed to turn loose of, now that I didn't need it. I wanted to understand what some of my abuse issues had done to my little noodle, and really wanted E to gain some insight into me, (and regain some respect from him) by maybe learning about an aspect of myself that I had ambivilant feelings about.
I carried a terrible rage inside of me, that some of what I grew up just accepting had been imposed on me without my consent, making of me a thing that was hard for many to understand or accept without revultion. I never imagined that E would be one of those people. But he was. And when I tried to talk about it, wishing to be understood, accepted, and loved, despite it, or even valued because I had survived and prospered because of my ability to use this as a virtue--it just freaked him out. Which felt like rejection, and was something I couldnt understand. Now the terrible rage was directed at me and him, too.
He felt like he was being asked to be something he was not, pushed into a mold he didnt want to fit. I was too busy feeling hurt and rejected to notice he also hurt, and maybe was scared. Maybe we didnt tell each other, about what was going on inside of us, so good. All I was hearing was "thats gross, and YOURE weird." All I think he heard was "I want you to take on this (unnatural for him) role." In hindsight, I think maybe that all he saw was that I was asking him questions he'd rather not answer, and he wanted to make me stop.
I was seeking to be loved for myself and understood. I wanted help loving a part of me I was having trouble accepting, too. I can't cut it off. I'd thought that since I knew he loved me, that if I told him about this problem, he would help me with what was troubling me. Instead i freaked him out and made it trouble him.
Damn. I wish I'd known.
Trying to get closer, I'd done something really destructive. I wanted to be loved, despite my issues, and maybe even because I'd survived them, and learned to mold them into something like qualities I could be proud of. This whole episode of my life is one thing I really wish I could change, but when I think of how I'd do it differently, I am stopped cold. I haven't a practical clue as to *how* I could do it differently. Somehow I would change it, but I still stop short of the desire to hide myself, or pretend to be different than I am, or to have a history with redacted parts, edited out, out of shame. I guess I would ask him to pity me, instead of value me, for this thing we discussed. Maybe that would have seemed less fucked up, and more like I was asking for help. I dunno, somehow that seems fucked up too... Its one of the few things about myself that i hate. I so wanted to be understood, and trying to be known, I'd ended up fucking with my favorite person's boundaries, and alienating him, even more.
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